The headache was there, as it always was, and I finally rose out of bed in the morning to drop an effervecent painkiller (or two) into a glass of water and listen to it fizz. It seemed impossible now to face the day without it. Always skipped breakfast. Ran to the coffee machine, without even taking off my jacket, and hit the black coffee button. Then I felt like my day started, I could finally be useful as I woke my computer up and glancd at my “to do-list” at the desk that I’ve written late last night before going home. My priority’s. Always stressed and chasing deadlines trying to make the employers and my customers happy. Waiting for Another “kick”. I worked many years as an accountant and I was good at it. Just one thing though, I totally forgot myself.
I have no idea how many years it took for me, but quite a few I guess, before my brain was seriously damaged. I’m still recovering from what is called burnout or fatigue syndrome. When will I become well again, is it even possible to be the same person again? I don’t think so, because a part of myself is lost forever, for better or for worse. I’m a completely different person now compare to how I was in the spring 2015, when my life took a turn I did not see coming. I crashed. Hard. Into ‘The Wall’.
I treated myself so bad, during a lot of years, that I got a brain injury. My brain certainly doesn’t work as before. Was it all work? No, off course not. I think it was a combination of a lot of things in my life, for example:
- Chronic headaches since I was 20 years old
- My work was my entire life and joy, my number one priority (until I met Märta at least..)
- A previous unhealthy relationship with my ex that drained my energy levels
- Tons of suppressed feelings during the 10 years I wasn’t openly gay
- Started working at the age of 11 in the family business
- Family values
- Poor diet and not enough exercise
- Not listening to any warning signals from my own body (I never learned how to)
Hitting the wall 2½ years ago affected life for me and everyone around me massively. How? I’ll tell you in another blog post next week.
Remember that YOU are VALUABLE. Be good to yourself and respect yourself