If you missed Part 1 you can read it here.
My burnout is still hard to talk about. I guess I still feel ashamed. (How could this happen to me? How did I not see this coming? Am I a week person?) Not as ashamed as in the beginning though. During the first couple of months I couldn’t even go out on my balcony at daytime. What if the neighbors saw that I wasn’t at work! What if they thought that I was just lazy being at home. At this time, I hadn’t understood myself what has happened to me, and I sure as hell hadn’t accepted it. I’m still struggling to accept.
My company for the long days was anxiety and pain in my body. Physically I almost didn’t make it out of the bed, I was so tired. I remember that I was really nervous before my second doctor’s appointment. Not because of the meeting with the doctor, I wasn’t sure I had enough energy for the short walk over to the doctor’s office, a 4-minute walk felt impossible for me to manage and very freightening.
During the last months before my collapse I hardly slept at night. As soon as I closed my eyed, I started to think about work. Planning and prioritizing my impossible workload at the office. I didn’t love my job anymore. It was harder and harder to be on time at the office in the morning. I was deeply depressed at this time, but I had no clue. The toxins that had accumulated in my body through lack of sleep are certain to have impaired both my physical and mental performance. My concentration and memory was also affected. Tired during the day, irritable and fatigued, and yet unable to sleep at night.
When I finally crashed I was scared, scared for my health for the first time in my life. What was happening to me? I didn’t function anymore, not my brain and not my body. It felt like I was imprisoned in my own body.
But I must tell you – this is the best thing that ever happened to me!
You must think I’m crazy, but I’m not. I look at these years (and they are not over yet) as an investment in myself and my family. I know my life will be so much better when I get through this. I know I can find real happiness in the near future because of the insights that come along with this experience. I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning. I treat myself, my loved ones and my life differently (even though I still fall into old patterns from time to time). I’m finally excited about what the future brings!