Creating the life of our dreams – ANYTHING is Pawsible!

Category: Our Relationship (Page 2 of 2)

New Years Eve in the Tropics! …Accompanied by Pablo the penguin

When I was a kid I had two favorite books. One was Three Little Pigs and the other was Pablo – The Penguin That Hated The Cold. In the story Pablo lives in Antarctica. All the other penguins thrives and plays around in the snow while Pablo is freezing and can’t stand the cold. That’s exactly how I feel about Sweden, it’s too cold for me and it doesn’t’ feel “right”. Pablo finally decides to do something about it. He starts sawing off a part of the ice floe where his house is located at, in the shape of a boat and sets off. When he reaches southern Africa the ice floe starts to melt and he continues to travel in a magical bathtub that is powered by the shower pipe. He finally reaches the Galapagos Islands and settles down for good. He builds a hut of dry palm leaves and put up a hammock in the tropics.

The story always left me with the feeling that anything is pawsible! I remember thinking that maybe I can live in the tropics one day too and enjoy the sun and the beautiful palm trees. Now I’m 37 and I have finally decided to do something about it. Ap ap ap…. relax, I’m not moving (yet). BUT I’m going to Indonesia to live the fairy tail for one month, feeling that I am finally following the foot steps of Pablo the Penguin! (IIIiiiihhh hi hi hi hi…. dancing around the apartment)

 This is what Stockholm looked like today, the first snow…

On Christmas Eve Märta and I are jumping on a plane. We are celebrating Christmas in the clouds this year and on Christmas Day we land in Denpasar in Bali. Can’t wait to explore Ubud (where we’ll be staying) and to kickstart our new projects on social media surrounded by palm trees, exotic fruits, books, yoga studios and organic healthy food.

Our new friends Melanie & Tobias already lives there and inspire us every day. They’ve built a healthy life filled with freedom and happiness. (YouTube: Love Conscious Family). Looking forward to see you soon!

Date night ❤

Maria is back after visiting her family in her hometown for almost a week..

And Napoleon and I are thrilled! ?❤ 

Last night after Maria got home we went out on a date. I had booked the tickets already this summer and was so excited it was finally time! 
We first went to Centralbadet for dinner, in their lit up indoor green garden; a sort of light therapy for our dark Scandinavian months, in the middle of Stockholm. 

The food there is a mixer of really healthy meals and Scandinavian classics. I had a Portobello burger with sallad, so delicious!

In the green garden our friends Brittis and Ida met up with us (also known as Eddy and Patsy, if you recall Absolutely Fabulous ?) and made sure the glasses were filled with wine ?? at least for Maria and Brittis. 

A stone’s throw away the show was about to start; The Nutcracker! By Fredrik Benke Rydman – one of Sweden’s most acclaimed choreographer. 

A mixer of street-, break-, jazz dance and balett. 

My heart were singing and my soul were dancing with the performers on stage to the beat of the rythm. I felt like I was floating on the music of the classical notes. I loved it. ❤ 

How so many layers of messages can be delivered and interpret by so many with music, movement and staging says it all. No spoken language needed. ❤ 

Now it is time to give Maria a massage and enjoy the Friday feeling. Napoleon is already on the table waiting ?? Lots of Friday fun and love to you all! ? 

~ Märta ~ 

Baby journey

This dark Saturday afternoon here in Stockholm, I’m sitting at our big dining table with my new computer, a cup of hot green tea, and just enjoying the calmness. Maria is on the sofa reading a book (a Swedish Classic, that also was made a musical by the Abba duo; Benny and Björn. Maybe you can guess which book it is? 🙂 ). It is so silent and calm. Just what I needed after a hectic week. 

This morning I had a Pilates class and then a distant healing session with a client. After that I sliped in to a hot bath with lavender essential oil and scoup of coconut oil. I feel like a little baby but now 😉 

Talking about babies, as promised I’ll share with you what is going on with our baby plans as for now. For you who saw the first blog post here on Pawsome moms, know that we just got a negative answear on the pregnancy test. We had made our second try of IVF, that didn’t stick. Now we have two more embryos in the freezer (amazing isn’t it?!) waiting for us. 

 

After the last attempt, Maria said she wanted a short break before going at it again. I thouth it was good. The hormones had taken a turn on her and a rest would be for the best. But after a month passing by and a little sisterly advice from my older sister Gina, Maria felt that she wasn’t in good shape to get pregnant. Her coming back from her burnout has taken a long time and is still an ongoing process. Maria said that looking back a year from now when we were in the middle of insemination attempts, she can’t belive how she thouth she would get pregnant. “My body and mind was so not in the state for a pregnancy, but my will of having a child made me blind to se that. I don’t want to make the same misstake again. Looking back and woundering what the h*** I was thinking.” 

Me, on the other hand, have had a gut feeling for a long time that we should start our projects of living our lifes much more freely and working for getting to that point before we have children (Yes I hope we might have two 😉 but one would be wounderful). And I have been conserned about Marias health, what it would mean to go through a pregnancy and then becoming a parent at the state she was in. That did also put a huge feeling of responsibility on my shoulders..  
I felt some what relieved when we deicded to pospone our last two trials of IVF for the future. We both really want to give those last two tries our best <3

We haven’t sat a time limit, we just said that we will give it a longer break now, until Maria feels fine and we are on board with our “Freedom Projects”. 

Oh one more thing!… We have started to look at adoptions. That would just be wounderful 🙂 Let´s see what the future holds! And for sure it holds a Dream trip.. let’s just say Christmas will be very warm this year 😉 

Lots of love ~ Märta 

The story of Märta & Maria (Part 2)

Okay, so I added Märta on Facebook. What happened then?

If you missed Part 1 you can read it here.

Snoop around

You need to be smart about social media when it comes to dating. Snoop around and don’t leave any trails behind (I’m excellent at that btw), unfortunately Märta had a closed profile. I almost couldn’t access any info on her through her Facebook page without adding her. Crap. Solution —> add her late at night, but not too late because you don’t want her to be asleep, because then she can’t accept our friend request…

I added Märta around 11 p.m. She accepted in an instant. Perfect, we are now connected on Facebook but it’s “to late” to communicate, we now have ALL NIGHT to go through each other’s Facebook pages and see if the other is a freak or actually seems to be a sane person. (Remember, I just came from bad relationship, no more weird chicks for me).

The morning after

All pressure was on me. I added HER which (in dating language) means that I have to send a first message to her. And I did, on the subway to work.

Overtime at work 2013

This first message was the beginning of a VERY long and exciting conversation online. We had so much to talk about and felt a thrilling connection to one another. But there was no time to meet. I had a massive deadline at work coming up and at the same time I was moving out from my ex (who kept our apartment with her new girlfriend) to my own apartment. What a relief to have my own space! I can’t even begin to explain how good it felt to finally be able to breathe again. To feel free.

Absolutely FREE at Pride 2013 🙂

Me, mom, sister and niece at Pride 2013

Märta also had a packed schedule. She was in London visiting a friend and all other free time went to her family, and especially to her father who was very ill.  

Each day that passed made me more and more curious about this hot chick that Åsa and Katja matched me together with. I couldn’t wait to meet her! My gut feeling had spoken the same moment that I heard her name for the first time, and I knew that she was the one, my soulmate.

I felt happy for the first time in years and so relieved to have my own place. I moved to the newest part of Stockholm which is called Hammarby Sjöstad, I had a hunch that this was the right place for me, not knowing much about Stockholm (and this was possible only because of the amount of overtime I spent in the office during the last decade). It was summer In Sweden and I could watch the boats pass by below from my pawsome balcony. It was just a studio apartment but it was a great one! I remember feeling proud that I once managed to move from a small city and work my way up in the big city to be able to buy this (small) studio.  What a great feeling! It didn’t matter to me that I barley had any furniture. No bed and no sofa. But with an inflatable mattress on the floor my confidence was on top. Time to meet Märta!

Who needs furniture when you have chairs, music and coffee?

We decided to meet on the same day as my deadline at work was due (because I couldn’t wait a day longer at this point!).

When I saw her turn her beautiful face to the sky and heard her wonderful, contagious laughter I knew she was my soulmate. It took me about 45 minutes. Just one small problem though, Märta certainly didn’t know this and neither did the waitress who was flirting with Märta during our dinner…

(Not that many pictures of us from that first time).

To be continued.

 

 

 

The Change (Part 1)

The headache was there, as it always was, and I finally rose out of bed in the morning to drop an effervecent painkiller (or two) into a glass of water and listen to it fizz. It seemed impossible now to face the day without it. Always skipped breakfast. Ran to the coffee machine, without even taking off my jacket, and hit the black coffee button. Then I felt like my day started, I could finally be useful as I woke my computer up and glancd at my “to do-list” at the desk that I’ve written late last night before going home. My priority’s. Always stressed and chasing deadlines trying to make the employers and my customers happy. Waiting for Another “kick”. I worked many years as an accountant and I was good at it. Just one thing though, I totally forgot myself.

I have no idea how many years it took for me, but quite a few I guess, before my brain was seriously damaged. I’m still recovering from what is called burnout or fatigue syndrome. When will I become well again, is it even possible to be the same person again? I don’t think so, because a part of myself is lost forever, for better or for worse. I’m a completely different person now compare to how I was in the spring 2015, when my life took a turn I did not see coming. I crashed. Hard. Into ‘The Wall’.

I treated myself so bad, during a lot of years, that I got a brain injury. My brain certainly doesn’t work as before. Was it all work? No, off course not. I think it was a combination of a lot of things in my life, for example:

  • Chronic headaches since I was 20 years old
  • My work was my entire life and joy, my number one priority (until I met Märta at least..)
  • A previous unhealthy relationship with my ex that drained my energy levels
  • Tons of suppressed feelings during the 10 years I wasn’t openly gay
  • Started working at the age of 11 in the family business
  • Family values
  • Poor diet and not enough exercise
  • Not listening to any warning signals from my own body (I never learned how to)

Hitting the wall 2½ years ago affected life for me and everyone around me massively. How? I’ll tell you in another blog post next week.

Remember that YOU are VALUABLE. Be good to yourself and respect yourself

 

The story of Märta & Maria (Part 1)

How did we meet? Who feel in love with who first? Why did Maria’s mother, father and brother see a picture of Märta before Maria did? And why is there a connection to Eurovision in all of this?

Well, let me tell you MY side of OUR STORY.

Background blah blah.. A dark necessity to grasp the upcoming goodie ?

First let me tell you about the place I was in when all of this happened. I had just come out of a really bad, three year long relationship. Without giving you any details about that I can just say that my only focus and joy in life, at the time, was my job (and also going to the gym 4-5 times a week because I needed to work some anger out of my body. Bonus- I got great abs, which I’m sure wasn’t a bad thing for getting Märta on the hook later on ?). But.. I had no plans whatsoever to meet someone new! Especially since I was still living with my ex in our apartment that we had bought together. I had signed a contract on a new apartment but I had to wait 3 months until I could move in. Worst time of my life. Coming home to someone I was actually scared of, who wasn’t nice and on top of it all – she overlapped and met someone new months before she broke up with me. But I’d like to say THANK YOU to her – the best thing you ever did was to leave me.

Eurovision – nothing can compete with that! Or can it?

Okay, so here I was. Working long hours at the office. Spring was in the air and it was finally time for Eurovision Song Contest 2013. The best time of the year! Remember, it was held in Sweden (because Loreen’s magical song ‘Euphoria’ had won the year before). I was at my friend’s place watching and I remember sitting on their sofa a bit upset. I was upset with Anouk. The famous singer. She had made a huge breakthrough with this awesome song called ‘Nobody’s wife’ back in 1997 and all the dykes knew who she was.. Now she was competing for The Netherlands with a song called ‘Birds’. I had grand expectations on her. But ‘Birds’ turned out to be a song suitable to sing in kinder garden whilst ‘Nobody’s wife’ was a song for, well all things cool!! (Any dyke here would know what I mean ? ) I was so disappointed I decided to vote for Denmark’s Emmelie de Forest’s ‘Only teardrops’ – a barefoot, sweet sixteen (and she won)!

Anouk in Eurovision 2013

The cool Anouk in the late 90’s

This is exactly what I looked like the night of Eurovision 2013

So in the middle of the equivalence of the gifts on Christmas Eve – aka the voting of Eurovision (Yes I am a Eurovision nerd and I love it!)  I got a text message from my relative Åsa.

“Go Sweden! My favorite tonight, as well as Hungary, Holland, Malta and Ireland. ? Well, I’m actually writing to hear if you are interested in a date? Good looking girl who I have only seen on photo. It’s a friend’s friend. <3 Love Åsa”

It turns out that Åsa and her friend Katja (whom I sort of knew because we’ve been sailing together on Åsa’s boat a couple of times) were hanging out at Åsa´s in Gothenburg, watching Eurovision. Katja lived in Stockholm but had gone to Gothenburg for a running race. Katja, who was in the same book club as Märta, had noticed Märtas Facebook status. It said;

“Anouk, marry me!”

And then something clicked in her brain. She said to Åsa.

“Is Maria still with that girl or is she single, because Märta and Maria would be great together!”

Åsa was like; “Maria IS SINGLE, she recently got dumped, big time”.

I replied to Åsa’s text on the subway home.

“Hello! Happiness is when the right entry WINS Eurovision! We didn’t have quite the same taste you and I (except for Ireland) Date, haha! I don’t know, maybe? Where is this human being living? Love”

Åsa replied immediately.

”Stockholm. It’s Katja who vouched for her. Around 32 years old”.

I replied;

“Do you know anything about this girl? Work with, hairstyle, funny? Off course I’m not going on a date with just anyone. (Confidence is on top on an evening like this)!”

“I’ll send your questions on to Katja! But you have to gamble a little bit to win big! Hug”

“Absolutely right!”

Two days later Åsa sent me some more info.

“Some answers. She works with children who has problems. She likes yoga but is not a vegetarian, she took a course in Miami within alternative medicine, blond hairdo cut to the shoulders. If I may say so, as your older cousin, I think it might be good to meet someone that your ex doesn’t know, perhaps just as friends at first… Take care and I hope you’ll say yes to the date and then reciprocate this! <3 ?”

Two days after this I answered Åsa.

“Hi! Yes, I definitely need to get to know some “neutral” friends here in Stockholm. Let’s do this! And if she turns out to be gorgeous then that’s just a bonus. ? Send me your specification over how you’d like a partner to be, and I’ll see what I can find for you. ?? Hug”

So what happens then?

Now here’s where it gets interesting. Absolutely NOTHING happened. I had an unreal workload at the office and work was all I could think about. Time went by and then one day I got an odd phone call from my father. He called my office (he never does) and I didn’t like that cause he disturbed me at work and I was stressed out.  

“What is it?!” I said.
“Oh nothing really. Just wanted to see what’s happening with your love life?”
“Eh.. what? Nothing is happening!”
“But Åsa showed mom, your brother and me a picture of a girl at our last family gathering. Said she hooked you up with someone nice”.

That was a bit weird I thought to myself, in the workload at first forgetting about the Eurovision blind date request. Then 30 minutes later my brother called me and asked the same question, wtf! I had to text Åsa.

“Hello Åsa! Just spoke to my dad, he said that he’d seen a picture of this girl you were talking about. Send one to me. ? Only 12 days left until I move, whoho! Hug”

A couple of days later Åsa responded that she’d been talking to Katja and that I should add Märta on Facebook. (This is the first time I hear her name). I did have a good laugh about her name “Märta”. You see, in Sweden it’s only 90-year old something who has that name (and now small children), NOBODY at our age. Anywho, Åsa then told me that I should add Märta and that they’ve told her my name as well and I answered.

“Okay sure, but I’m still at work so I’ll probably do it later tonight, or else I might lose focus. ?”

These are the photos from Märtas Facebook that really caught my attention, when I snooped around… 

To be continued…

Dream family and baby boom

Right now as I write, dear friends of ours are at the hospital just about to start the delivery of their baby. It is so exciting! I am sending them all my good thoughts and hoping that the delivery will be good and that the two moms and the little baby will be ok, with just a LITTLE bit of sweat, blood and tears through out it all. I can only imagine when it will be time for Maria and I to go for the delivery. I’m going to be like a tigress, making sure Maria gets exactely what she needs and wants, and I will be watching over her and the little one like a hawk! Just so that I can, at the end when I know everything went fine, cry like a baby 😉

Another friend, that I haven’t seen in a long time, but we used to dance together at The Balettakademin, just announced that him and his partner have now become dads. How amazing isn’t that! The babies are just popping up from all around. And it makes me so happy. And the longing to become a parent even bigger…

I never had the dream of giving birth to a child. Even when I was a child and dreamt of my future, I pictured me having maximum one child and then meeting someone who already had a child so that the family would get bigger without me having to give birth to more than one child. A bit of an odd dream for a young girl.. That was when I thought I would live the straight life and live with a man ;).. Then again I never saw the partner of my dreams in these as I now understand them to be; visions, just that I had a little boy by my side and that I might get another child in another way. The fact that it was a boy was a bit strange I thought. When I was little I felt more comfortable around girls, I had only sisters and not really any boys around. But that has been the vision and my gut feeling has now led me to here – being with my dream partner, not having to put my body through a pregnancy and delivery (I will get back to you on why that is so one day) and yet, HOPEFULLY, have the family of my dreams <3

And maybe the little boy that has been with me in my vision, might just well be our Fluffy boy Napoleon 😉 Cause one thing I know for sure is that Maria and I became a family when Napoleon came to us <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talking about gut feeling though… It is telling me – that is (soon) to happen. A soul is on its way. Let’s hope so <3

In the meantime I will be grateful for all the wonderful children coming our way. And today my love goes out to Judith, my niece, who turns 9 years old. Happy Birthday Judith! <3

What happens now?

I recently took my 6th negative pregnancy test. Filled with hormones I ended up crying on the yoga mat on the floor. That’s a little bit out of character for me… I’m not usually someone who cries a lot, I (still) automatically shut every feeling inside of my heart so that no one can see them. That’s not how I prefer to handle my feelings, but it takes a bit of time to learn new, and I’m really trying to crawl out of my own comfort zone. In a way, the IVF-hormones has helped me to meet my feelings which I’m grateful for even if it might sound crazy.

Märta and I have decided to take a short break from our IVF-journey. It’s hard and it sucks energy from everything. We need to have some fun again! To feel normal again, reboot on love and energy and not think about hormones, sympthoms, counting all sorts of days here and there and other things that might lead to a plus on the stick. IVF does crazy things to your mind and body, that’s for sure.

There is something special about the IVF community online. All of us who are struggling, exposing our bodies for hard hormone treatments, meet various obstacles in the same storm. No one knows in advance how long the journey will be, but we know exactly what everyone is going through. I’m glad that we decided to talk openly about our journey. It has been harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was going to get pregnant in an instant and now, four inseminations and two IVF-tries later, I’m still not pregnant…

We have two little perfect embryos left in the freezer at the fertility clinic. Two more chances to get pregnant. My gut feeling recently told me that my body needed a break and I am listening.

Once again, THANK YOU for your love and support! It means a lot to us and it helps us get through this – you are PAWSOME!    

Now I’m off to Märtas Pilates class. Enjoy your evening (or morning) everyone!

Maria

 

 

Space in between

You know the breaks between things you are doing? Like a break at work, the break between classes in school etc. Today was that kind of a day. We needed a break. Some space to breath.

Those days are really important to me. I believe they are to everyone, but sometimes forgotten. Like a room is not a room without the space within it, the words are not words unless there is space in between. The space and the breaks are as significant as the things we are doing in our lives. The no-thing days, are filled with substantial. And so was this.

Maria and I were just in the moment, took a long, slow walk and a boat trip (public transport, wohoo!) to a beautiful part of central Stockholm called Djurgården.

We walked around and just in time for the rain we had found a lovely porch to sit on, with cover from the rain and a great view. And then… I discovered him! The Thinker. One of the most beautiful sculptures of all time was sitting there under the big chestnut tree, with the stunning garden and the water with passing boats just at our feet. And I had missed it! Never had I walked here before and so I had no idea that August Rodins statue was sitting and thinking right here.  The Thinker stopped me thinking, and I found the break, the space in between. If only so for a moment. But it was beautiful.

Our society of today rewards the “doing” and forgets to celebrate the “being”. So… remember the breaks, they are invaluable.

Our “baby-journey” will soon pick up again. But for now we are in the space in between (on our baby journey. Loads of other things are going on that we will soon update you on!) ..until the next embryo insertion time that is. ?

 

 

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